Friday, February 12, 2010

A little bit sad

Tonight I will light a candle for my angel{dos}...It has been two years since you left little one and still you occupy my thoughts every day. I wish with all my heart that we could have met. That I could have birthed you and seen you grow. To witness your first cry, first smile, first laugh, first word. I mourn the loss of a future I will never know. I will never know if you where a boy or a girl, what colour your hair would be, what sort of personality you would have. I will never know how you would have changed the dynamics of our lives. I do know that you will shine on forever in my heart. That I will always think about you and what could have been.

As the time draws nearer for me to start thinking about whether I want to try for a third baby, I think of my angels more and wonder if I can live through that all consuming grief again. Will the possibility of experiencing that pain again be enough to steer me away from the desire for another life to love? Will I forever regret it if we don't try again? In some ways experiencing 2 losses has made me a stronger person but it's not something that you ever wish for. The jury is still out!! The other thing to consider is whether I really want to put our family through the assisted conception wringer again. I turn into not such a nice person with the stress of trying to conceive and the clomid...I don't want it to be intensive, I just want it to "happen". Then there's the idea of giving up breastfeeding C...I'm just not ready for that yet. I always said "not until she turns 2", but i will turn 35 in September and time is ticking away. Indecisive, procrastinating, confused, scared.

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